The Drunk Drow
by Kokui
Summary: Ok, Drizzt is acting a little weird after drinking some odd bevrage in some random tavern. Wait, he's not a little weird, lot weird. chapter 2 now up
1. The Beverage

(A/N: This is for a good friend of mine, yes that good friend of mine, so if you don't get it, awww, poor baby. I don't own any of the characters in this, except for maybe the random people, but I don't know. I also don't own a certain beverage that will pop up a little later.)  
  
Drizzt walked into some random tavern in some random town in some random part of the realms. To tell you the truth after: being attacked by a squirrel, seeing a grinning idiot selling video games, Wulfgar commenting on how the sky was a lovely shade of blue, and having some little kid asking him how much paint he had to use to get his skin its dark color; it had been a very random day for Drizzt.  
  
Now all the drow wanted to do was sit down and have some alcohol, some really strong alcohol. Anyway, it wouldn't matter; it took more than what any human could brew up to get him drunk, right?  
  
Wrong. For some random reason, this random town's strongest drink had very random effects on random drows.  
  
Wulfgar, who was there for random unexplained reasons, noticed that Drizzt seemed a little odd after he took his first sip of the strongest drink the tavern had.  
  
"Drizzt, are you ok?" the Barbarian asked looking at Drizzt's eyes grow wide as he stared into his glass. Instead of getting a response, Drizzt giggled and downed the rest of his glass quickly.  
  
"Yo, more of this stuff!" He yelled holding up his glass. The barmaid walked up to him and handed him a shot glass of the 'stuff.'  
  
Drizzt drank it immediately. "Get me more." He said, his lavender eyes having trouble focusing on the barmaid. "But put it in one of those ale tankards."  
  
"But, that's our strongest drink!" The barmaid said in shock. "I don't think that it would be a good idea for you to drink that much!"  
  
Drizzt stood up, with the intention of looking important. "I can handle it! Can't you see I'm a drow? And it takes the strongest stuff of them to knock me down, or even get me drunk! So do as I say or I'll kill Wulfgar!"  
  
"Heeeyyyy . . ." Wulfgar said looking up at Drizzt.  
  
Drizzt held out a hand. "Silence brutish barbarian, or do you wish to become a headless chicken like the rest of the brutish people I have turned into headless chickens?"  
  
Everyone in the bar just blinked and stared at Drizzt as he suddenly giggled and sat down watching the light reflect through his two empty glasses. "Ooohhh, pretty colors!"  
  
As soon as the barmaid set the huge tankard of the beverage in front of Drizzt, he jumped up and hugged her sobbing, "THANK YOU SO MUCH!" The barmaid was so scared that as soon as Drizzt let go of her and started steadily drinking his beverage, she ran and hid behind the counter.  
  
Wulfgar watched in amazement as Drizzt spent a whole five minutes drinking steadily. As soon as Drizzt set down his mug, he fell face forward onto the table, apparently unconscious. Wulfgar prodded the drow to make sure, and was satisfied when Drizzt fell off his chair and landed on the floor with a loud thud.  
  
The barbarian stood up and stepped over Drizzt to pay for the beverage and a couple of rooms, but when he turned around, Drizzt was nowhere to be found. He also heard the barmaid comment that all the stuff Drizzt had been drinking had disappeared all of the sudden.  
  
Then an insane cackle could be heard from out in the street that sounded a lot like Drizzt. Well, Wulfgar assumed that it sounded like Drizzt because he had never heard Drizzt cackle evilly before. But it did sound a lot like the giggles he had heard from the drow earlier, so he immediately ran out into the street. What he saw confused, amazed and made him laugh all at the same time.  
  
A dark figure holding two magic scimitars stood on a roof, his cloak fluttering lightly in the wind. The whole, freakily coolness of this scene was shot down to the nine hells when the figure giggled and jumped from roof to roof yelling in a high pitched voice,  
  
"Puurplee Miilkshaakees!"  
  
With a groan, Wulfgar ran after the receding jumping drunken drow, wincing slightly as Drizzt started to sing something backwards. (Like, all the words are backwards, as well as the order of said backward words.)  
  
Drizzt sat on a bale of hay petting Guenhwyvar while swigging some of his new favorite drink.  
  
"Now my pretty panther pet, we shall have to capture the inventor of this lovely beverage so that we can live in happiness as we drink this stuff. Then it shall be ours and I shall call it . . ." The drunken drow paused for a moment then said, "We shall call It Mountain Dew . . . does that sound good to you my pretty pet?"  
  
The cat just stared up in confusion at his normally sane master. 


	2. Cow

(A/N: Yo. Ok, a million people have told me to write another, so, blah. I doubt that this will be as funny, but I shall try my hardest!

Disclaimer: I disclaim that I own any rights to something that I have disclaimed before.)

Drizzt woke up the next afternoon, sprawled out over bales of hay, clutching the onyx statue of his pretty panther pet whose name I have temporarily forgotten how to spell. He was apparently in a barn, because several cows were staring at him.

"What're you lookin' at?" Drizzt asked. He had a bad headache and the mooing was cruel to his head. Then he saw that he had at least 12 gallons of his 'Mountain Dew' left.

Half an hour later, he rode out of the barn on top of one of the ponies that was in there. The pony was small, cute, and not very big. Drizzt's toes scraped the ground. Yet he didn't seem to notice, he was singing at the top of his lungs, and very off key.

"HERESSSS OUUUUR, JINGLE FOR GOLDFISH, YESH, BAKED AND NOT FRIED GOLDFISH! THE WHOLSOME SNACK THAT SHMILES BACK, UNTILLLL YOU BITE THEIR HEADS OUFF!" Here Drizzt cackled evily. It was time for him to find the maker of his beloved drink so that he could make it his own.

He tottered into the Tavern and faced the barmaid. "Ok, mish." He said menacingly. "Who is the creator of the greatest drink in the world?"

"What, vodka?"

"No."

"Urm, Ale?"

"NO! THE STRONG STUFFS!"

The barmaid ohed, and told him.

Twinkle in hand, Drizzt charged out of the Tavern and tripped over his pony.

"Cow!" He yelled furiously. "You tripped me! Come now, Cow, we must go find this man, a certain 'Kirby' to give us the recipe to my new favorite drink!"

The pony Cow looked at Drizzt innocently with its huge watery eyes. Drizzt cooed and hugged Cow. "You're the cutest little guy, aren't you?"

Cow neighed, and Drizzt leapt onto his back, "Charge forth!"

So Drizzt atop his cute steed Cow set forth from the random town to find a certain 'Kirby'.

15 minutes later they arrived in a random forest. "Cow, tread carefully, for Kirby lives in these woods… we must come upon him unaware and kidnap him. Then we shall take the recipe for my Beloved Mountain Dew, and we shall rule the world!" He cackled. Cow looked up at him with his watery brown eyes and neighed. Drizzt giggled, "No, dear Cow, you shall not be in any danger. I could lend you one of my swords if it would make you feel better! No…? Than maybe one of my boot daggers?"

They soon reached a clearing with a small hut. "Now Cow, take my boot dagger. I would feel better if my pretty panther pet could be here, but you will do." He giggled excitedly. "This is just so exciting! Let's go, Cow!"

Cow, holding Drizzt's boot dagger in his mouth, watched Drizzt skip up to the door of the hut. A middle aged elf answered the door. "Yes?"

Drizzt giggled again, "Hi there! Is Kirby home?" He looked so cute, giggling, and smiling…

The elf cooed, "Yeah, I'm Kirby."

The drow was suddenly on Kirby's back, "Muahaha. My name is Drizzt, I am here to steal the recipe for the Dew." He sounded menacing until a giggle broke out.

"Are you crazy?" Kirby asked, trying to brush him off. "I don't know what you're talking about, go away."

"Nononono! I must have the recipe for the drink! Theee driiiink…." Drizzt went limp on Kirby's back, turning himself into dead weight, causing Kirby to loose his balance and fall backwards onto Drizzt.

"ACK!" Drizzt acked, "COW! I'M BEING ATTACKED! CHAAAARGE!"

Cow stood in the doorway, looking cute. Kirby rolled off of Drizzt.

"The drink? You have had my drink?" Kirby asked in an astonished voice. Drizzt nodded cutely. "This is wonderful! How do you like it?"

Drizzt stood and paced about, "It is WONDERFUL! I must have MORE! I must make it MINE!" He started laughing evily, then giggled. "I even named it!"

Kirby was scribbling something on a notepad, "Tell me, how much have you had of my drink."

Drizzt looked thoughtful. "Ooooh, like… a small lake…"

Kirby's eyes went huge. "Did you take the town's ENTIRE supply?"

"Yessiree bobity bob, I sure as Cow did." Drizzt skipped over to Cow and grinned.

Kirby bent over, scribbling madly on his notepad. "This is utterly fascinating, we've never encountered effects such as these with our drink! It is non alcoholic, so it therefore does not cause drunkenness, but it increases hyperactivity in most humans! It seems the effect it has on a drow is multiplied by a hundred fold!"

Drizzt giggled, "What?"

"I am Kirby of the Pepsi Company." Kirby said proudly "I am the official Elf spokesman in the company, and I would like to recruit you, Drizzt, to be our official drow taster!"

"I need to taste drows?"

"NO! You would be the official spokesman of the drow for our company!"

Drizzt looked pondersome. He stroked his chin and looked to his cute pony, who had dropped the boot dagger and was chewing grass. "What do you say, Cow? Should I give up the life of a ranger to taste drinks and become official for some company that will probably go nowhere?"

Cow looked cute.

"You've got yerself a deal, Kirby." Drizzt said with a heartfelt giggle.


End file.
